I gave birth to my first child in July 1993. I had no family support around, and found it very hard to cope with a difficult baby. I found myself isolating myself from friends, staying home more, and getting more and more worried about my ability to mother my child. I kept telling the clinic nurse and doctor that I wasn't coping, but it seemed like nobody would listen. Eventually, it all got too much for me. When I started saying exactly how bad I felt, finally I was listened to. I was diagnosed as having severe post natal depression, and was put on the medication Prozac (an anti-depressant drug). It seemed to work for a while and I felt somewhat "normal" again.

After coming off the medication however, it was only a matter of months before I "crashed" again and was back in the depths of depression. Put on medication again and left to "get well". To cut a long story short, I have since been on and off medications and have been depressed more than I have been "normal".

In November 1997, I crashed very badly. The worst ever. I became very suicidal, and ended up at the Emergency Room of the local hospital because I was so scared of my thoughts becoming so overwhelming. It's the scariest thing, wanting so badly to die, yet knowing deep down that it is not the solution.

I was of course put back on medications (this time, Cipramil), but after a few months, that seemed to be making me worse, and indeed, causing me to have huge mood swings. I'd go from suicidal to really up and happy within a matter of hours! In early March 1998, I had had enough. I phoned my ex husband and said goodbye to my boys. I then started to take pills. I was ready to die. I was interrupted by loud knocking on the door. Security guard for the complex, police and ambulancemen. I was taken to hospital, where I consider I was treated very badly. Left alone for a few hours, where and when I managed to cut into my wrists with a pair of scissors I had in my handbag. When a nurse finally came to look at me, she didn't even seem concerned, and made no attempt to clean the wound I had made. To cut a long story short, 2 people from the mental health team finally arrived the next morning to talk to me briefly. They gave me the phone numbers of crisis lines like Lifeline and The Salvos, and told me that they would *try* to make an appointment for me with the hospital's psychiatrist. Then I was released. I thought this was disgraceful, as I was still having the suicidal feelings. Thank goodness I had the sense to not act on them again though. I came off the medication, and have been feeling a lot better since then. It is still a struggle though. It is not something that is easy to shake off quickly. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to now be seeing a psychologist on a regular basis, and he has helped me see some things in a different light. One thing that especially sticks with me is that he asked me - when I feel suicidal and want to die, do I *really* want to die? Or do I just want to get away from things for a while? After a good think, I realised that it's the latter. When I'm feeling at the end of my tether, I just need "time out" to hide away from my emotions and from the world for a while. Since realising this, I've been coping a lot better. When I feel that things are getting on top of me, I have a day or two where I have as little contact with people as possible. It's very therapeutic for me and seems to "reset" something and calm me down. I guess in time I will find some better way to cope, but for now, anything is better than the suicidal thoughts!

Update (August 1998): I pointed out to my psychiatrist today that I have all the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder, and he agrees with me. He tells me that there are no medications that can help me cope with this disorder, but that all I can do is keep going with the therapy I'm getting from my psychologist. He says it will be a long, slow process to work through all the issues that are dominating my life.

Update (October 1998): Had another suicide attempt. Ended up in and out of hospital for about a week. Am back on anti-depressant pills, this time Aurorix. Also on a mood stabiliser, Zyprexa. Will this beast of depression never leave me alone?

Update (March 1999): I now have a psychiatrist, who seems to understand me very well. She has confirmed my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder along with major depression. I'm now on an anti-depressant called Serzone, and the mood stabiliser Zyprexa.

Final Update, I hope! (November 1999): A month or two ago, I went to my doctor saying that the medication I was on just wasn't working. All it was doing was making me drowsy all the time. So he pulled me off the Serzone, and started me on Efexor-XR, a newer anti-depressant which works on not one but two areas of the brain. I wasn't hopeful of it working, after having tried so many different medications in the past without much success. BUT WOW!!!! It's already changed my life! For the first time in ages, I don't feel like a depressed person trying to be happy. I feel like a happy person who is actually now enjoying life! It's incredible! If the makers of efexor are ever reading this (I know, not likely, but ah well!), THANK YOU! And to anyone struggling through depression and/or any sort of mental illness, never give up hope. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, it might be a bloody long tunnel at times, but never give up fighting. Life is too short as it is - don't make is shorter by ending your life, and always keep striving for that elusive happiness. I wish you all the best of luck in finding peace. ((((BIG HUGS))))

Update (March 2000): Well hello, here I am again. A month or two ago, I started going badly downhill again. *sigh* In recent weeks, I have been in and out of ER for overdoses, as well as twice in the psych unit for observation. The latest to come out of it all is that my pdoc has pulled me off ALL of my medications. He wants to see how I cope without any of these drugs going through my body. He sees me again mid April, and depending on how I'm doing then, it'll be either go happily on my way if I'm doing okay, or try another anti-depressant if I'm not okay. There has also been some talk of ECT treatments but I'm reluctant to go that road. How am I doing today? Well, actually, I feel not too bad. Only a week since my last overdose, so I'm by no means stable or anything, but I'm trying to get control of my life once again. I have joined a gym in the hope that regular exercise will help me, as it's been proven that exercise is good for depression. Wish me luck!

Update (May 2000): The last two months have been reasonably okay. I am coping fine without the medications. In fact, I think I'm doing slightly better! I feel as though I'm moving forward for the first time in a long time. I'm feeling more "normal" than I have in a long while! Still going to the gym, and I do think that's helping. Starting to look for a job too, in the hope that once I'm settled in somewhere, it will help to keep me stable by keeping my mind occupied. Things are looking up for now! (Hope I'm not speaking too soon!)

Update yet again (December 2000): Well, what a journey life becomes when you are hit by depression. I feel that that journey is finally taking a definite turn for the better. I'm no longer suicidal, and I'm finally seeing things in a positive light again. The only step I still have ahead of me is to get back to work. I'm hoping that that will all fall into place early in the new year. At long last, I'm reclaiming my life again!!!! So you see, there *is* hope when you are hit by depression. You *can* get better and feel good again. Please, never give up. Embrace life! ((HUGS))