~~~~~~
God, grant me the serenity to accept a post I cannot change,
~~~~~~
Don't you find it funny?
~~~~~~
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
~~~~~~
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
electronic navigation and communications equipment.
~~~~~~
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The
voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your
money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears
and ignores the voice.
~~~~~~
Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went
horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts
bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was
thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground.
My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow
down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart
manager came and unplugged it.
~~~~~~
A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he
decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray ...
~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
~~~~~~
Why do Lada's have rear window heaters?
~~~~~~
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
~~~~~~
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to
show up so they can get under way.
~~~~~~
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a
remote control for a television set in her purse.
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car
pulls over next to him.
~~~~~~
A man and his wife are travelling in Russia during the
holidays. While shopping they befriend a Russian communist
named Rudolf and spend their last day of the trip walking
around Moscow with him enjoying the sights of the Kremlin.
Suddenly it starts to precipitate.
~~~~~~
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State
Building
in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the
bar
next to another guy.
~~~~~~
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him.
"-Stop! Stand still ! If you take one more step,a brick will fall down
on your head and kill you."
~~~~~~
A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at
work, that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
~~~~~~
The US Justice Department - unable to sentence Bill Gates
to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment
would be more severe - and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.
~~~~~~
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
~~~~~~
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!"
~~~~~~
Farmer John decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer John.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
~~~~~~
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth man ducks.
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card
readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your
card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say,
"Strip down, face toward me."
~~~~~~
The broken cupholder
~~~~~~
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
~~~~~~
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun for the purpose of
launching dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the
windshield of airline jet, military jet, or the space shuttle, at that
vehicle's maximum traveling velocity.
~~~~~~
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people really irritate the hell out of me! Especially when
they say things like,"You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now
I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of
stupid to forget to eat.
~~~~~~
Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when
I'm running late for work,
And the wisdom to know the difference between
"come to bed now" meaning "let's have some fun" and
"come to bed NOW" meaning "that computer has got to go"!
You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone
just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and
everyone joins in....
They are both purple... except for the chicken!
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the
course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
The next day when he gets home from
work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit
your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled
by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the
same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell
your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man
hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset.
Finally,
after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit
his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to
Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the
voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and
rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the
casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The
man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table,
the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously,
the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all
on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the
roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man
anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until
finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says,
"Fuck."
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob prays again ...
"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm
going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes, and Jacob still has no luck!!
One last attempt ...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car
and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and
I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the
lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?!?".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob
is confronted by the voice of God himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE-BUY A DAMN TICKET!"
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.
So you can keep your hands warm while you're pushing it.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
to a fellow Blonde?"
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of
the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through
the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot
is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot
is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with
huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react;
thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling
up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately
to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane
starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the
airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane
lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief
and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days
the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna
get killed!"
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a
packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving
the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and
all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned
Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
The man says, "Great, now its snowing! Our flight will
probably be cancelled."
The Russian says, "No sir, it's only raining. You have nothing
to worry about."
The man again says, "No way! It's snowing like crazy and we're
going to be trapped here another day."
The Russian again, "You are sadly mistaken this is rain."
This goes back and forth several times until the wife finally
says to her husband, "I think you should listen to him, Rudolf
the Red knows rain dear."
"This is a nice place; I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
Gogh;
and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic".
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump
out
you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're
pushed
back up".
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the
window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops
10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes
right
back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out
the
window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop,
and
whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try", the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and
SPLAT!...ends up as a sidewalk pizza below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to this death, the other guy
casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders
another
drink.
The bartender quickly mixes it and when he delivers the drink he says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!".
The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front
of him, the man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick.
The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again
the voice shouted: "-Stop! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car
will run over you and you will die."
The man asked the voice -"who are you?"
I am your guardian angel,the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?! And where the hell were you when I got married?".
"How
horrible" said the friend, "what did you do?"
The blonde replies, "Well there was nothing I could do, he kept
yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the
numbers!"
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for
you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been
selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing
Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here.
But enough of that.
"You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll
be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions
of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes
him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being
chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face,
at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation thinking he outsmatred the devil,
Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan then locks the door.
As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was
Bill Gates!cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best
room in the house?"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The vintage bottle of wine you see - It has a hole in it.
"That Beautiful young lady - She doesn't"
"What about the PC?"
"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed!"
laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied
the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!"
He then realises that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Farmer John responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer John said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer John's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, officer, feeling just fine."
Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
A service desk for computer users in England once received the following
phonecall:
Customer: Hello, can you help me. The cupholder of my computer broke of.
Operator: Did you say cupholder?
Customer: Yes, it's on the front of my computer. It's to put on your
drinks. It broke of.
Operator: Was that cupholder on your computer when you bought it or did
you buy it later?
Customer: No. It was on my computer when I bought it. The name on it is
4X
On this point the servicedesk operator begins to laugh. He realizes that
the man used his CD-romplayer to put on his drinks.
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and
his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was
racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door
and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the
house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room,
and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding,
the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door
shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife
went down the several flights of long steps to the street
to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the
ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed
it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor,
the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released
to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on
the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing
the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the
toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion
and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom
and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers
had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife
again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife
met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband
on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked
the wife how the husband had burned himself. When she
told them the paramedics started laughing so hard one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband
out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his
ankle.
The idea being, that it would simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the
windshields
are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun
out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon the
firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken
shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped
the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall
of
the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and
asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the
chicken."
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I
said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it
and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said
the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much,
impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is
my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your
neck?"
